I used to think my mom took a lot of naps. Now I think she was just surviving.
Becoming a parent always changes the way you see your own parents. Things that once looked ordinary, annoying, confusing, or even lazy suddenly look completely different through exhausted adult eyes.
I Misunderstood My Mom
As a child, I didn’t understand why my mom wanted to nap or bury her nose in a book so much. I didn’t understand the mental load she carried or the emotional energy being a mother to three kids in five years required every single day. I didn’t understand what it meant to constantly give pieces of yourself away to other people while still trying to remain a whole person.
But now? Now I do.
And honestly, I think many of us don’t fully “see Mom” until we become one ourselves — or until we’re deep in the exhausting work of raising children, building a life, managing a home, running a business, and trying not to fall apart in the process.
Seeing Mom as a Real Person
My mom, Janet Louise Rabel Stumbo, was not perfect. And somehow, that makes me appreciate her even more. She loved to read and definitely spent plenty of time with books in hand. She napped often too — something I judged far more as a child than I ever would now. But while she may not have been endlessly energetic like me, the firstborn who never slept, she faithfully showed up for us in all the ways that mattered most.
Things My Mom Did Well
She made good meals and taught us how to cook and bake.
She read to us.
She did crafts and activities with us.
She taught us skills like sewing, cleaning, and how to play the piano.
She took us to the library regularly and instilled a love of reading — though admittedly that may have partly been because she wanted books too.
She taught piano lessons and worked as a cook in a camp kitchen while raising kids. Later, she went back to school and earned her undergraduate degree. Then, while I was in college myself, she earned her master’s degree.
And yet somehow, in the middle of the busyness, she still made us feel cared for. Looking back now, I honestly don’t know how she managed all of that.
She stayed involved in our education without putting crushing expectations on us. My sister Caryn, my brother Eric, and I were allowed to become ourselves. We weren’t pushed to perform constantly or molded into someone else’s version of success.
Kids Treat Moms Badly
I was especially strong-willed. Strong enough that my mom jokes I practically sent her back to school when I was still a toddler. We butted heads plenty growing up. I know I hurt her at times with my words, my attitude, or simply by not understanding her heart.
And now, after raising three sons of my own, I realize just how deeply children can wound the people who love them most — often without meaning to at all. That realization has softened me toward my mom in ways I never expected.
Seeing the Invisible Work of Mothers
There’s a kind of work mothers do that nobody really notices while it’s happening. It’s the invisible infrastructure of family life. The meals. The rides. The listening. The remembering. The babysitting. The encouragement. The showing up again and again and again.
My mom loved my three boys deeply growing up. She babysat them when they were little and cared for them so we could have a date night or simply breathe for a minute. She worked alongside me at the resort when needed and even volunteered teaching with me for a local homeschool group.
Seeing My Second Mom
My mother-in-law, Janet Joy Nicholson Sams, deserves just as much gratitude. From the very beginning, she welcomed me completely. She never made me feel like an outsider marrying into the family. Instead, she became like a second mom to me.
She loved my children fiercely too. She babysat. She hosted Grandma Days. She created memories and stability and safety for my boys.
And when we bought our resort and moved closer to both of our moms, their help became absolutely instrumental. There is simply no way we could have successfully run a resort while raising three little boys without the support of these two women. No way.
People often admire successful businesses or functioning families without ever realizing how many unseen people helped make them possible. Often, they are quietly held together by people behind the scenes who never ask for credit. Sometimes the strongest foundations are built quietly by mothers and grandmothers.
Seeing the Gift of Friendship
One of the greatest gifts in my life is that my mom eventually became one of my closest friends. I can tell her almost anything. I spend more time with her than any other friend.
That kind of relationship between a mother and daughter is something I no longer take for granted because I now realize not everyone has it. Some people have lost their mothers. Some never had emotionally safe mothers to begin with. Others found “mom figures” in teachers, grandmothers, mentors, neighbors, or friends.
There’s an episode of BoJack Horseman called “Free Churro” where BoJack is giving the eulogy at, what he thinks, is his mother’s funeral. He spends most of his speech complaining about how unseen and unloved he felt growing up. Then, near the end, he recalls what he thought was a tender moment on his mom’s deathbed when she looked at him and said, “I see you.” Later he realizes she was actually just reading the sign for the ICU.
The episode lands because it highlights something painfully human: we all want to be seen.
But as children, we can spend years focusing on how our mothers failed us without ever realizing they, too, were human beings longing to be seen, appreciated, and loved. Mothers often make their sacrifices look ordinary. And maybe that’s part of the problem.
We don’t notice extraordinary love when it’s woven quietly into everyday life.
Seeing Mom Before It’s Too Late
So, what do mothers and mother figures actually want from us?
Probably not perfection. Definitely not elaborate social media posts once a year. Expensive gifts? Maybe, if it includes time with their kids. Most moms just want good conversation where we are present and not distracted. They want help. They want to be remembered, included, appreciated.
To feel seen.
And as I write this, I’m fully aware that I still owe my mom several hours of helping her organize and fix things around her house that I promised to do quite a while ago. Oops.
Maybe that’s my reminder — and maybe yours too — that the women who spent years showing up for us deserve more than our gratitude in theory.
They deserve our time while we still have it.